Novelist Sally Gardner's Poem for Dyslexics Everywhere

The brilliant Sally Gardner is an award-winning British children's novelist. She's written Coriander, Maggot Moon, I, The Silver Blade and more... and she is severely dyslexic. 

Growing up as the child of two lawyers in London, she couldn't read until age fourteen. Her teachers repeatedly told her she would never make anything of herself. She turned to art and spent many years as a theater set designer before returning to her original love: writing.  

For Dyslexia Awareness Week in early November of this year, she put together a poem for dyslexic children and adults everywhere.

Disobey Me, a poem by by Sally Gardner

They told me I was dyslexic

it didn’t describe me

belonged in the library

of words I can’t spell

no matter how many times they tell

you just try harder sound it out

simple when you think about

it....

To keep reading this moving poem in its full form, click here.

---

Sarah Forrest is a Reading Specialist for the Easyread System, an online program for children struggling with reading and spelling. Get a free 10-day trial at www.easyreadsystem.com

5 Steps to Setting Limits with Your Children

In my last few posts, I’ve been sharing some of the skills involved in filial therapy, including structuring, empathic listening, and imaginary play. Today I’ll discuss the last skill involved, limit setting. 

Why Set Limits?

In thinking about setting limits, the “why” seems like an obvious question. Limits help to keep children safe by protecting the child from dangerous choices. When a child feels safe, they tend to also feel less anxious because they know that their parent is helping to make sure they are safe. However, it can be difficult to know when to set the limits! It’s a fine line to provide enough freedom for a child to explore, but also enough limits to protect the child. In Filial Therapy, parents are asked to set limits only if there is a safety concern, such as hurting someone, breaking a toy intentionally, or running out of the room. 

How to Set Limits: 

1. Once you’ve asked yourself if the limit is necessary (and have decided that it is), the first step is to check and make sure you feel calm. An important key in limit setting is to stay emotionally neutral, using a matter of fact tone. 
2. Get your child’s attention by stating their name. You might also put a hand up if there is an imminent safety concern, such as an item about to be thrown. 
3. State the limit clearly. “One of the things you can’t do is throw that marble at me. But you can do just about anything else.” Notice that in this example, the adult did not suggest other choices. The reason for this is that in this method, you really want to teach your child to problem solve. By leaving the solution up to the child, they must then think about their other options and decide on the best one, which essentially takes them through the problem solving process. 
4. If the limit is about to be broken a second time, I suggest a three strike policy. That is to say, you would remind the child of the limit and then explain the consequence that will happen if they try again. In this example, the adult would state (in that same matter of fact tone), “Remember how I said that you can’t throw the marble? If you choose to try it again, you’re choosing not to play with marbles today.” The consequence will be most effective if it is a natural consequence that is easily connected to the infraction. The child will not clearly learn the lesson if the consequence were, for example, to lose TV for a week after throwing a marble.
5. If the limit is broken again, follow through with the consequence. This is key to limit setting! It lets your child know that you mean what you say, and teaches them that next time they really need to follow directions within the first two tries. 

Setting limits consistently helps your child understand that you mean what you say and that you’ll work to keep him or her safe. Using a matter of fact tone, especially during the first two infractions, helps to prevent the child from reacting to an emotion rather than the limit, which tends to lower everyone’s emotions in the situation. Furthermore, having a system will help to reduce your energy expenditure during the situation, as it will become automatic over time and therefore less emotional for you as a parent or caregiver. 

Emily Herber McLean, LPC is a child and family therapist at The Center for Psychological Services. To learn more about her practice, visit www.centerpsych.com.

Frustration is FRUSTRATING! Simple ideas to combat frustration.

It’s hard to know what to say or do 

when someone is frustrated!

This emotion gets in the way of progress in school, social encounters and the quality of interactions as a family. Often times, as parents, we understand a reason for being frustrated but agreeing with the frustrated person doesn’t change the problem. It's well, SO FRUSTRATING!!!

So what do you do about frustration when it rears its head in family life? People with learning disabilities feel frustration perhaps more often than their counterparts with out LD. Knowing how to use a couple simple tools will help with the frustration while building life skills and supporting confidence and self-esteem.

           

Always speak the truth: Your child or young adult needs to hear the truth; empty praise or pacifying wont cut it! Praise the effort invested even though the situation may have created frustration.

Don't engage in comparisons: Discourage comparisons with others! We are all individuals on different paths and celebrating that is important. Guiding a young person to use strengths to overcome weaknesses can be a way to focus on the individual instead of comparing to others.

Increase overall understanding of a situation: use the SLOW methodology to remove confusion, hopefully breaking down the frustration.

o   S – Stop: the conversation or action and take 3 breaths! This creates a little space to decide what comes next.

o   L – Look: around and take note of what is happening all around you. Everything that is going on can provide you with information.

o   O – Overview: to create a better understanding of all parts of the situation. How do all the different parts of a situation come together to create the frustrating situation?

o   W - WHAT: Ask the “What” questions to find a path forward. What is important? What do you want to have happen? What does how you are acting have to do with the frustration? What next steps do you need to take?

Create a Frustration signal: Sometimes recognizing you are frustrated is part of the problem! Create a secret signal so a parent can signal that frustration is present. This brings the frustration out in to the open and it can be dealt with.

Another helpful trick is to have a mantra that is repeated to create focus on problem solving instead of letting stress and frustration build. An example could be to use the word “SLOW” to remind you of the steps above.

Frustration is a part of life and people with learning disabilities know this better than most! Use these tips and tricks to increase the feeling of being in control even when frustration is present. 

Let us know how these work for you!

Warmly,

Becky Scott

BScott@TheNavigatorsWay.com

Children: To Hold on or Let Go?

My mother once told me, when I was in my thirties I might mention, that she found it far harder to parent grown children than younger ones. The reason, she explained, is that as your children grow older you have less control over what they do and with whom they do it.  Being a mother myself by then, this comment resonated with me.  It has proven to be a challenge that I see parents working to manage every day in my office.

Essentially, I tell parents, the parent/child dynamic needs to go like this:

Your children’s job is to push the limits. Your job is to maintain them.

But first you have to know when and how to set limits

When your children are little you can pick them up and put them where they need to be, remove a dangerous toy from their hands, feed them what you choose, set and enforce their bedtime, put them in timeout.  Then they get older, and darn it if the little buggers don't start to assert themselves, expressing their own opinions, desires, and even perspectives in a way that you can't bypass, ignore, or disregard.  

You have to start listening and even more so, you should.

One of the most central internal conflicts your children experience (and it is ongoing until they are fully cooked sometime in their twenties) is the tension between the need to be dependent and the need to be independent.  You see this in your toddler who has learned to say "no" (and practices that new word a lot!), but won't let you out of his sight from the sandbox. You see it in your 8 year old who wants to set his own bedtime, but still insists on being tucked in--multiple times!  The struggle becomes particularly profound in adolescence as your child begins to move away from you and ever more towards his or her peer group.  Insistent on greater autonomy in their use of social media, establishment of privacy, and resistance of whatever limitations you set.  Yet at the same time they need to know that you have their back, that you will catch them if they fall.  That they are not truly on their own just yet.  

The challenge to you as a parent comes by way of determining where and when to set the limits and what those limits should be.  They are ever-changing and continually demand that you be flexible and wise in choosing your battles.  For the little ones this is not easy, but it is simpler as the boundaries for behavior and parent/child roles are more concrete.  Many parents don't realize it but as your child grows older your job is actually to pull back, to allow for greater problem solving and self-determination on their part. You essentially have about 18 years to get this person ready to go out into the world and be okay, which translates into being able to pick themselves up and dust themselves off when they fall, which they will…repeatedly.  They are supposed to.  For goodness sakes, you want them to!  

It's in the falling down that your child learns to be resilient, to bend with life's challenges,
and to cope with what this world throws at them.  

If you hold them too close or set limits that are too firm or inflexible they never get the chance to acquire these skills.

So therein lies the balance. 

Here are some tips as to how you let go, while holding on just enough....

1. Hold them close enough to keep them generally safe from the really dangerous stuff, but let them venture far enough way to learn how to handle dangerous situations. 
2. Find the balance by listening. Let your child assert their wishes, discuss them, and never reject them out of hand. 
3. Always show your child that you value their opinion, and by extension that you value them, by listening and engaging in discussion with them that takes their desires and your own into account in equal measure. 
4. Above all, negotiate. Together find a compromise. Never negate their wishes or needs, instead always find a way to give a little--unless their safety is at risk.

Be Well,

Jennifer

Jennifer Jackson Holden, Psy.D. is managing director of the Paoli, Pennsylvania office of the Center for Psychological Services. www.centerpsych.com drjenniferholden@gmail.com

How to Help Students Plan, Organize and Manage Time

Simple tasks such as using an agenda or turning in an assignment seems obvious to many, but for some young learners these tasks can be very difficult to master.  In fact, some students require comprehensive instruction and scaffolding to plan, manage time, and organize.  Executive functioning, which manages these skills, is the last part of the brain to fully develop, and in fact, it does not fully maturate until students reach their mid 20's. 

How Hard Can it Be to Plan, Manage Time and Organize?

When I first began working with students that struggled with executive functioning, I was astounded how challenging planning, time management and organization could be for some of my bright learners.  What seemed to be obvious was obscure and taxing for them. 

These Difficulties are Misunderstood:

Students that have difficulties with planning, time management and organization are often maltreated with discipline and erratic methods that result in poor grades. In addition, many of these students are told that they are unmotivated, lazy and careless.  What's more, these negative labels only worsen the problem by making the students' feel frustration, anger and even helplessness.  Acquiring accommodations for students that struggle with executive functioning is challenging, and now, with a multitude of technological tools at our fingertips, each teacher seems to have a unique way of communicating and collecting assignments.  As a result, this population of learners' need for consistency is neglected.

What are the Symptoms of an Executive Functioning Deficit?  
These students often:

1.   misplace materials.

2.   fail to turn in assignments.

3.   avoid things until the last minute.

4.   underestimate the time it takes to complete a task.

5.   fail to document homework in an agenda or planner.

6.   forget materials at school.

7.   forget materials at home.

8.   neglect to prepare for tests and quizzes.

9.   avoid planning and breaking down long-term assignments into manageable tasks.

10. fail to plan for midterms or finals.

11. forget important details.

12. miss important notes or directions.

13. lose mental stamina.

14. misplace materials.

15. rush through school work.

What can be Done to Assist these Students?

1.   maintain a structured, daily routine.

2.   make priorities.

3.   create a homework plan. 

4.   section large assignments into manageable chunks.

5.   generate a to do checklists.

6.   coach them on study skills.

7.   teach note-taking skills.

9.   demonstrate test-taking methods.

10. teach memory strategies.

11. offer incentives and positive reinforcement.  

12. use graphic organizers for writing.

13. teach metacognitive skills by thinking through a process aloud. 

Where Can I Get Ready Made Materials?

To learn about these strategies and more, I have created a publication on CD or digital download that offers materials that structure, guide, and support students in the areas of planning, time management, and organization.  This document includes agendas, questionnaires, checklists, and graphic organizers for writing and test preparation.  In addition, advice and materials are presented in the areas of math, reading, memory, motivation, setting priorities and creating incentives programs.  What’s more, the handouts are varied and accommodate learners of all ages from early elementary to college.  Finally, I offer a free sample assessment from the publication, as well as a free video on executive functioning.  Click Here  

Cheers, Erica

Dr.  Erica Warren, Learning Specialist and Educational Therapist

Dr. Erica Warren is the author, illustrator and publisher of multisensory educational materials at Good Sensory Learning and Dyslexia Materials.  She is also the director of Learning to Learn, in Ossining, NY.  To learn more about her products and services, you can go to www.goodsensorylearning.com, www.dyslexiamaterials.com & www.learningtolearn.biz  

Using Imaginary Play with Your Child

Recently I’ve been sharing some of the skills involved in filial therapy, including structuring and empathic listening. Today we’ll take a look at how imaginary play helps children learn and grow, and how playing with your child can strongly benefit your relationship.

What is Imaginary Play?

Imaginary play occurs when a child asks you to enact a role in their play, much like a director would ask of an actor in the theater. When a child invites you to take on an imaginary role with them, they are engaging you in a very active process. Whereas empathic listening involves reflections of the child’s feelings from an observational standpoint, imaginary play is all about participation.

There are Several Ways to Take on Such a Role: 

1. One option is to ask the child what they’d like to see in the role. For example, if the child assigns you the role of teacher, you might ask if you’re a strict teacher or a relaxed teacher.
2. Another option is to play the role however you feel. In this example, you might start off as a relaxed teacher and then become strict (or introduce another character to the play).
3. In Filial Therapy, the suggestion is to read the child’s tone and guess what they’re looking for, trusting that they will tell you if you are wrong. For example, you might begin as a teacher giving directions in a neutral tone, and the child may then instruct or direct you to, “Be mean!” or, “Pretend you’re really nice.” 

Why it’s Important to Consider These Factors or Play a Certain Way?

In everyday life, play can be flexible and dynamic, with both parties contributing to the story line. However, if your goal is to better understand and connect with your child’s concerns and issues, you may want to give option 3 a try. When you’re able to play the character the way the child directs, you’ll have a better chance at relating to your child’s needs and helping him or her work through any questions or situations with which they may need help.

How Can Imaginary Play Help Kids?

Imaginary Play allows the child to try out different ways of acting and to take another’s perspective. It allows the child to take risks and within the confines of a safe environment to help develop a sense of self. If you’re able to respond to your child’s wishes for the play, you’ll likely find that your child will look to connect with you as well.

Emily Herber McLean, LPC is a child and family therapist at The Center for Psychological Services. To learn more about her practice, visit www.centerpsych.com.

Parental Leadership: Routines

How is your hectic fall schedule? We all have been back at it for about a month now. Many of you will say it is going well but you are still experiencing a few sticking points to that smooth running family you visualize! To fully settle into a routine takes time and effort. One month is not a time to judge your parenting or your kids. It might, however, be a time to check into what could be tweaked to achieve comfortability with your school schedule.

Here are a few ideas for those sticking points that show up for all of us in our parenting.  See if these can help you settle your family into the fall routine.

Morning Routine: Is someone in your household late, cranky or unable to pull it together in the morning and impacting everyone else? Or is it that the whole group is having their challenges? This set of steps will work with one person or the entire family.

Call a family meeting and:

•  Get clear on the morning routine that is currently in place. Document that.

• Where are the challenging or sticking points

• What alternatives are available to solve these sticking points? (All ideas welcome here – encourage contribution

• Democratically decide how to proceed. Get buy in from all. All may not agree, but buy in means you will adhere to the plan being decided on.

• Document new plan and post it. Be clear with with expectations of new plan

                        Use uncomplicated, well defined easy steps
                        Consider a chart with pictures for youngsters
                      Calendar or time line for older kids

• Everyone must agree to new plan for a period of two weeks at which time a family meeting will be called to review.

What if your family issues are homework based?

• Provide, as parents, a structured schedule for homework each day of the week. What fits best into your family’s routine taking into account after school activities and evening routine? 

•  Set expectations for starting, engaging in and completing homework.

• Understand what parts of homework require parental support. Schedule time for that homework on parent calendar so time is focused, regular and uninterrupted.

• Provide energy boosting snacks.

How about bedtime routines?  This can be the hardest to change. Lazy days of summer don’t require early and wide-awake mornings to be at your best…summer and school routines can be very different. However, if this transition isn’t made, the late nights and not getting to school on time can wreak havoc on the young learning mind.

• Parents need to be clear on their expectations as it relates to bedtimes.

• Decide what needs to be part of your families bedtime routine

• Written expectations should be step by step with no ambiguity. Example:

Brush teeth, read one book together for younger kids

No electronic devices after 10pm. for older kids

• Post the routine and talk about it in a family meeting

• Monitor the routine and insist on it being carried out. A solid evening routine is the best way to endure a good morning!

Most of these suggestions involve discussion and follow through. Parents, make sure you are giving yourself the time to do these pieces well. With out a strong set up and strong follow through none of your routines will be adhered to. Parental Leadership is a valuable tool in making routines really work!

As always, reach out with your questions!              

Becky

BScott@TheNavigatorsWay.com 

610-783-5676                                                                         

                                                                                 

Setting Limits for Cell Phone Use

Sometimes the best advice comes from another parent...

One of the biggest issues that parents in my office report confronting is how to set guidelines and rules for their children’s use of technology, particularly cell phones.  It is always my suggestion that agreements and limitations regarding the phone begin as soon as any  device is introduced.  One parent, Doug from Boston, went the extra mile.  He was generous in sharing a contract he and his wife used with his daughter with another parent, and she in turn with me.  With Doug's permission, I now pass it along to you.  If you haven’t yet given your child a phone, I encourage you to use this contract or one like it.  If you are farther along in this process, you can adapt it to your current circumstance and start anew.

May the limit setting begin...

Dear Olivia,

Happy Birthday! You are now the proud owner of an iPhone.  You are a good & responsible 11 year old girl and you deserve this gift. But with the acceptance of this present comes rules and regulations. Please read through the following contract. I hope that you understand it is my job to raise you into a well rounded, healthy young woman that can function in the world and coexist with technology, not be ruled by it. Failure to comply with the following list will result in termination of your iPhone ownership.

We love you madly & look forward to sharing several million text messages with you in the days to come.

1. It is our phone. We bought it. We pay for it. We are loaning it to you. Aren’t we the greatest?

2. We will always know the password.

3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.

4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 9:00pm every school night & every weekend night. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am. If you would not make a call to someone’s land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text. Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected.

5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It’s a life skill. *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration.

6. If it falls into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are responsible for the replacement costs or repairs. Mow a lawn, babysit, stash some birthday money. It will happen, you should be prepared.

7. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay out of the crossfire.

8. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.

9. Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room. Censor yourself.

10. Search the web for information you would openly share with me. If you have a question about anything, ask a person – preferably me or your father.

11. Turn it off, silence it, put it away in public. Especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being. You are not a rude person; do not allow the iPhone to change that.

12. Do not send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts. Don’t laugh. Someday you will be tempted to do this despite your high intelligence. It is risky and could ruin your teenage/college/adult life. It is always a bad idea. Cyberspace is vast and more powerful than you. And it is hard to make anything of this magnitude disappear – including a bad reputation.

13. Don’t take a zillion pictures and videos. There is no need to document everything. Live your experiences. They will be stored in your memory for eternity.

14. Leave your phone home sometimes and feel safe and secure in that decision. It is not alive or an extension of you. Learn to live without it. Be bigger and more powerful than FOMO – fear of missing out.

15. Download music that is new or classic or different than the millions of your peers that listen to the same exact stuff. Your generation has access to music like never before in history. Take advantage of that gift. Expand your horizons.

16. Play a game with words or puzzles or brain teasers every now and then.

17. Keep your eyes up. See the world happening around you. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds. Take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Wonder without googling.

18. You will mess up. I will take away your phone. We will sit down and talk about it. We will start over again. You & us, we are always learning. We are on your team. We are in this together.  It is my hope that you can agree to these terms. Most of the lessons listed here do not just apply to the iPhone, but to life. You are growing up in a fast and ever changing world. It is exciting and enticing. Keep it simple every chance you get. Trust your powerful mind and giant heart above any machine. I love you. I hope you enjoy your awesome new iPhone. Happy Birthday!

xoxoxoxo
Mom and Dad

Be well,

Jennifer

Jennifer Jackson Holden, Psy.D. is managing director of the Paoli, Pennsylvania office of the Center for Psychological Services. www.centerpsych.com drjenniferholden@gmail.com