5 Steps to Setting Limits with Your Children

In my last few posts, I’ve been sharing some of the skills involved in filial therapy, including structuring, empathic listening, and imaginary play. Today I’ll discuss the last skill involved, limit setting. 

Why Set Limits?

In thinking about setting limits, the “why” seems like an obvious question. Limits help to keep children safe by protecting the child from dangerous choices. When a child feels safe, they tend to also feel less anxious because they know that their parent is helping to make sure they are safe. However, it can be difficult to know when to set the limits! It’s a fine line to provide enough freedom for a child to explore, but also enough limits to protect the child. In Filial Therapy, parents are asked to set limits only if there is a safety concern, such as hurting someone, breaking a toy intentionally, or running out of the room. 

How to Set Limits: 

1. Once you’ve asked yourself if the limit is necessary (and have decided that it is), the first step is to check and make sure you feel calm. An important key in limit setting is to stay emotionally neutral, using a matter of fact tone. 
2. Get your child’s attention by stating their name. You might also put a hand up if there is an imminent safety concern, such as an item about to be thrown. 
3. State the limit clearly. “One of the things you can’t do is throw that marble at me. But you can do just about anything else.” Notice that in this example, the adult did not suggest other choices. The reason for this is that in this method, you really want to teach your child to problem solve. By leaving the solution up to the child, they must then think about their other options and decide on the best one, which essentially takes them through the problem solving process. 
4. If the limit is about to be broken a second time, I suggest a three strike policy. That is to say, you would remind the child of the limit and then explain the consequence that will happen if they try again. In this example, the adult would state (in that same matter of fact tone), “Remember how I said that you can’t throw the marble? If you choose to try it again, you’re choosing not to play with marbles today.” The consequence will be most effective if it is a natural consequence that is easily connected to the infraction. The child will not clearly learn the lesson if the consequence were, for example, to lose TV for a week after throwing a marble.
5. If the limit is broken again, follow through with the consequence. This is key to limit setting! It lets your child know that you mean what you say, and teaches them that next time they really need to follow directions within the first two tries. 

Setting limits consistently helps your child understand that you mean what you say and that you’ll work to keep him or her safe. Using a matter of fact tone, especially during the first two infractions, helps to prevent the child from reacting to an emotion rather than the limit, which tends to lower everyone’s emotions in the situation. Furthermore, having a system will help to reduce your energy expenditure during the situation, as it will become automatic over time and therefore less emotional for you as a parent or caregiver. 

Emily Herber McLean, LPC is a child and family therapist at The Center for Psychological Services. To learn more about her practice, visit www.centerpsych.com.

Frustration is FRUSTRATING! Simple ideas to combat frustration.

It’s hard to know what to say or do 

when someone is frustrated!

This emotion gets in the way of progress in school, social encounters and the quality of interactions as a family. Often times, as parents, we understand a reason for being frustrated but agreeing with the frustrated person doesn’t change the problem. It's well, SO FRUSTRATING!!!

So what do you do about frustration when it rears its head in family life? People with learning disabilities feel frustration perhaps more often than their counterparts with out LD. Knowing how to use a couple simple tools will help with the frustration while building life skills and supporting confidence and self-esteem.

           

Always speak the truth: Your child or young adult needs to hear the truth; empty praise or pacifying wont cut it! Praise the effort invested even though the situation may have created frustration.

Don't engage in comparisons: Discourage comparisons with others! We are all individuals on different paths and celebrating that is important. Guiding a young person to use strengths to overcome weaknesses can be a way to focus on the individual instead of comparing to others.

Increase overall understanding of a situation: use the SLOW methodology to remove confusion, hopefully breaking down the frustration.

o   S – Stop: the conversation or action and take 3 breaths! This creates a little space to decide what comes next.

o   L – Look: around and take note of what is happening all around you. Everything that is going on can provide you with information.

o   O – Overview: to create a better understanding of all parts of the situation. How do all the different parts of a situation come together to create the frustrating situation?

o   W - WHAT: Ask the “What” questions to find a path forward. What is important? What do you want to have happen? What does how you are acting have to do with the frustration? What next steps do you need to take?

Create a Frustration signal: Sometimes recognizing you are frustrated is part of the problem! Create a secret signal so a parent can signal that frustration is present. This brings the frustration out in to the open and it can be dealt with.

Another helpful trick is to have a mantra that is repeated to create focus on problem solving instead of letting stress and frustration build. An example could be to use the word “SLOW” to remind you of the steps above.

Frustration is a part of life and people with learning disabilities know this better than most! Use these tips and tricks to increase the feeling of being in control even when frustration is present. 

Let us know how these work for you!

Warmly,

Becky Scott

BScott@TheNavigatorsWay.com

Children: To Hold on or Let Go?

My mother once told me, when I was in my thirties I might mention, that she found it far harder to parent grown children than younger ones. The reason, she explained, is that as your children grow older you have less control over what they do and with whom they do it.  Being a mother myself by then, this comment resonated with me.  It has proven to be a challenge that I see parents working to manage every day in my office.

Essentially, I tell parents, the parent/child dynamic needs to go like this:

Your children’s job is to push the limits. Your job is to maintain them.

But first you have to know when and how to set limits

When your children are little you can pick them up and put them where they need to be, remove a dangerous toy from their hands, feed them what you choose, set and enforce their bedtime, put them in timeout.  Then they get older, and darn it if the little buggers don't start to assert themselves, expressing their own opinions, desires, and even perspectives in a way that you can't bypass, ignore, or disregard.  

You have to start listening and even more so, you should.

One of the most central internal conflicts your children experience (and it is ongoing until they are fully cooked sometime in their twenties) is the tension between the need to be dependent and the need to be independent.  You see this in your toddler who has learned to say "no" (and practices that new word a lot!), but won't let you out of his sight from the sandbox. You see it in your 8 year old who wants to set his own bedtime, but still insists on being tucked in--multiple times!  The struggle becomes particularly profound in adolescence as your child begins to move away from you and ever more towards his or her peer group.  Insistent on greater autonomy in their use of social media, establishment of privacy, and resistance of whatever limitations you set.  Yet at the same time they need to know that you have their back, that you will catch them if they fall.  That they are not truly on their own just yet.  

The challenge to you as a parent comes by way of determining where and when to set the limits and what those limits should be.  They are ever-changing and continually demand that you be flexible and wise in choosing your battles.  For the little ones this is not easy, but it is simpler as the boundaries for behavior and parent/child roles are more concrete.  Many parents don't realize it but as your child grows older your job is actually to pull back, to allow for greater problem solving and self-determination on their part. You essentially have about 18 years to get this person ready to go out into the world and be okay, which translates into being able to pick themselves up and dust themselves off when they fall, which they will…repeatedly.  They are supposed to.  For goodness sakes, you want them to!  

It's in the falling down that your child learns to be resilient, to bend with life's challenges,
and to cope with what this world throws at them.  

If you hold them too close or set limits that are too firm or inflexible they never get the chance to acquire these skills.

So therein lies the balance. 

Here are some tips as to how you let go, while holding on just enough....

1. Hold them close enough to keep them generally safe from the really dangerous stuff, but let them venture far enough way to learn how to handle dangerous situations. 
2. Find the balance by listening. Let your child assert their wishes, discuss them, and never reject them out of hand. 
3. Always show your child that you value their opinion, and by extension that you value them, by listening and engaging in discussion with them that takes their desires and your own into account in equal measure. 
4. Above all, negotiate. Together find a compromise. Never negate their wishes or needs, instead always find a way to give a little--unless their safety is at risk.

Be Well,

Jennifer

Jennifer Jackson Holden, Psy.D. is managing director of the Paoli, Pennsylvania office of the Center for Psychological Services. www.centerpsych.com drjenniferholden@gmail.com

Parental Leadership: Routines

How is your hectic fall schedule? We all have been back at it for about a month now. Many of you will say it is going well but you are still experiencing a few sticking points to that smooth running family you visualize! To fully settle into a routine takes time and effort. One month is not a time to judge your parenting or your kids. It might, however, be a time to check into what could be tweaked to achieve comfortability with your school schedule.

Here are a few ideas for those sticking points that show up for all of us in our parenting.  See if these can help you settle your family into the fall routine.

Morning Routine: Is someone in your household late, cranky or unable to pull it together in the morning and impacting everyone else? Or is it that the whole group is having their challenges? This set of steps will work with one person or the entire family.

Call a family meeting and:

•  Get clear on the morning routine that is currently in place. Document that.

• Where are the challenging or sticking points

• What alternatives are available to solve these sticking points? (All ideas welcome here – encourage contribution

• Democratically decide how to proceed. Get buy in from all. All may not agree, but buy in means you will adhere to the plan being decided on.

• Document new plan and post it. Be clear with with expectations of new plan

                        Use uncomplicated, well defined easy steps
                        Consider a chart with pictures for youngsters
                      Calendar or time line for older kids

• Everyone must agree to new plan for a period of two weeks at which time a family meeting will be called to review.

What if your family issues are homework based?

• Provide, as parents, a structured schedule for homework each day of the week. What fits best into your family’s routine taking into account after school activities and evening routine? 

•  Set expectations for starting, engaging in and completing homework.

• Understand what parts of homework require parental support. Schedule time for that homework on parent calendar so time is focused, regular and uninterrupted.

• Provide energy boosting snacks.

How about bedtime routines?  This can be the hardest to change. Lazy days of summer don’t require early and wide-awake mornings to be at your best…summer and school routines can be very different. However, if this transition isn’t made, the late nights and not getting to school on time can wreak havoc on the young learning mind.

• Parents need to be clear on their expectations as it relates to bedtimes.

• Decide what needs to be part of your families bedtime routine

• Written expectations should be step by step with no ambiguity. Example:

Brush teeth, read one book together for younger kids

No electronic devices after 10pm. for older kids

• Post the routine and talk about it in a family meeting

• Monitor the routine and insist on it being carried out. A solid evening routine is the best way to endure a good morning!

Most of these suggestions involve discussion and follow through. Parents, make sure you are giving yourself the time to do these pieces well. With out a strong set up and strong follow through none of your routines will be adhered to. Parental Leadership is a valuable tool in making routines really work!

As always, reach out with your questions!              

Becky

BScott@TheNavigatorsWay.com 

610-783-5676                                                                         

                                                                                 

Structuring Children for Success

In my last blog post, I talked about Filial Therapy and how it benefits families. In my next few posts, we’ll take a closer look at the components used in this approach and how parents can apply the skills even without formally participating in therapy.

The first component we’ll talk about is structuring. Structuring involves planning to set a person up for success before even beginning the activity or task. It is important because it can solve problems before they occur - consider this the prevention side of parenting. Here are things to consider when structuring:

1. In order to do this well, you’ll need to consider the age and developmental appropriateness of what you want to accomplish as it relates to your child. No matter how brilliant your structuring plans, the task will go poorly if you’re asking for something your child isn’t ready to do. For example, most 3 year olds are unable to hear multi-step directions and follow them on the first try, and if you ask a child this young to get dressed, brush their teeth, and wash their face, the expectation is unrealistic and you both will end up frustrated. In summary, step one: know what is appropriate for your child.

2. Once you’ve determined that your expectation is appropriate, think about a specific situation that you’d like to structure. For example, imagine a situation in which a child protests going to the dentist. Ask yourself what is it about that situation that is upsetting? The child might feel scared, angry, or maybe just bored in the waiting room. Step two: tease apart what is happening that causes the problem to best determine how structuring will help.

3. Now that you know the situation you’d like to structure and you have a guess about why it’s not going well, plan ahead for success. For instance, thinking about the dentist, let’s imagine that your child is scared of the dentist because he has not been there before. Structuring might involve going online to look at pictures of the office, explaining in kid-friendly language what will happen, and being realistic (but not alarming) with the language. For example, “We will go into a room and we’ll tell a receptionist our names, then wait in that room until our names are called. Next, we’ll meet the person who cleans your teeth. That person will probably brush and floss your teeth, which can sometimes feel funny or nice because they’ll be clean. The dentist might want to take pictures of your teeth as well, but we won’t know until we get there. At the end, you’ll get a bag of goodies, like a new toothbrush and maybe a sticker.” Not, “They brush your teeth and sometimes have a drill, which really hurts, so make sure you brush every day so you won’t have to do that.” Step three: prepare your child with appropriate language.

4. Structuring might also involve the use of specific items. Let’s imagine that the child is not afraid of the dentist, but instead acts wild in the waiting room. Structuring for this child might instead involve packing a favorite book, a new game to play, or a tablet with a cartoon and headphones to encourage quiet behavior. Step four: pack for success!

Have you recently used the structuring skill? Leave a comment to share how you’ve applied this to your life. 

Emily Herber McLean, LPC is a child and family therapist at The Center for Psychological Services. To learn more about her practice, visit www.centerpsych.com.

5 Ways to Play More This Summer!

Most blog posts this year have been about making good decisions, getting ready for testing or reducing fear and anxiety; all issues that many with learning issues can relate to.  Not this post!  This post is about PLAY!  Summer fun!  There is NO AGE LIMIT for play.  It is REALLY good for ALL of us.  In fact, a lot of research has been done on play.  And guess what?  We all, especially our kids, are getting less and less play. This is really awful! 

Play, especially Outdoor Unstructured Play, is critical for important developmental reasons:

• Learning and maintaining the desire and ability to explore.
• Learning and maintaining the ability judge risk taking.
• Development of fine and gross motor skills
• Input of vast amounts of basic knowledge about the natural world.

Research shows playtime is shrinking in kids life due to an earlier and earlier academic focus, excessive screen time (both TV and computers) tired parents, unsafe neighborhood play places and elimination of school recesses.

Darrell Hammond from kaBoom!, a company that creates multi sensory play grounds, says active and balanced play helps kids to thrive. Other experts tell us attention spans increase if playtime is integrated into the learning day and fidgeting can be an indication that there isn’t enough physical activity in a child’s day.

What can you do to encourage outdoor unstructured play? 

First get out of the house and out of their way! Kids will engage in this kind of play naturally. You might hear, “I’m bored” at first. That is A OK! If you let them solve their own dilemma soon they will be engrossed in imaginative play or made up games.

To facilitate play:

• Provide longer periods of playtime – 45 minutes to an hour of uninterrupted play to allow creative and imaginative play to develop.
• Provide a variety of out door play materials beyond what nature provides: water, chalk, clay maybe even mud!
• Don’t squelch risk taking! If there is true danger, by all means intervene. Remember kids LEARN how to take risks and understanding risk taking serves us all well.
• Recognize the value of messy, rough and tumble and nonsense play!
• Take an interest in their play by asking questions and getting involved. Get involved on their level – do no directing! For example put on a funny hat and march around with your kids. Don’t change their play to be your play.

Outdoor play helps our kids learn to be creative and innovative while experimenting with socialization. They are also building self-confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy. This is a lot of value packed activity that has everything to do with playing and nothing to do with academics. 

Enjoy your play filled summer!

Parents, do you have questions raising your child with learning issues? You can raise confident capable kids despite learning issues. Reach out for answers to your most perplexing questions today!

Becky Scott

610-783-5676

The NavigatorsWay.com