Setting Limits for Cell Phone Use

Sometimes the best advice comes from another parent...

One of the biggest issues that parents in my office report confronting is how to set guidelines and rules for their children’s use of technology, particularly cell phones.  It is always my suggestion that agreements and limitations regarding the phone begin as soon as any  device is introduced.  One parent, Doug from Boston, went the extra mile.  He was generous in sharing a contract he and his wife used with his daughter with another parent, and she in turn with me.  With Doug's permission, I now pass it along to you.  If you haven’t yet given your child a phone, I encourage you to use this contract or one like it.  If you are farther along in this process, you can adapt it to your current circumstance and start anew.

May the limit setting begin...

Dear Olivia,

Happy Birthday! You are now the proud owner of an iPhone.  You are a good & responsible 11 year old girl and you deserve this gift. But with the acceptance of this present comes rules and regulations. Please read through the following contract. I hope that you understand it is my job to raise you into a well rounded, healthy young woman that can function in the world and coexist with technology, not be ruled by it. Failure to comply with the following list will result in termination of your iPhone ownership.

We love you madly & look forward to sharing several million text messages with you in the days to come.

1. It is our phone. We bought it. We pay for it. We are loaning it to you. Aren’t we the greatest?

2. We will always know the password.

3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.

4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 9:00pm every school night & every weekend night. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am. If you would not make a call to someone’s land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text. Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected.

5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It’s a life skill. *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration.

6. If it falls into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are responsible for the replacement costs or repairs. Mow a lawn, babysit, stash some birthday money. It will happen, you should be prepared.

7. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay out of the crossfire.

8. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.

9. Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room. Censor yourself.

10. Search the web for information you would openly share with me. If you have a question about anything, ask a person – preferably me or your father.

11. Turn it off, silence it, put it away in public. Especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being. You are not a rude person; do not allow the iPhone to change that.

12. Do not send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts. Don’t laugh. Someday you will be tempted to do this despite your high intelligence. It is risky and could ruin your teenage/college/adult life. It is always a bad idea. Cyberspace is vast and more powerful than you. And it is hard to make anything of this magnitude disappear – including a bad reputation.

13. Don’t take a zillion pictures and videos. There is no need to document everything. Live your experiences. They will be stored in your memory for eternity.

14. Leave your phone home sometimes and feel safe and secure in that decision. It is not alive or an extension of you. Learn to live without it. Be bigger and more powerful than FOMO – fear of missing out.

15. Download music that is new or classic or different than the millions of your peers that listen to the same exact stuff. Your generation has access to music like never before in history. Take advantage of that gift. Expand your horizons.

16. Play a game with words or puzzles or brain teasers every now and then.

17. Keep your eyes up. See the world happening around you. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds. Take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Wonder without googling.

18. You will mess up. I will take away your phone. We will sit down and talk about it. We will start over again. You & us, we are always learning. We are on your team. We are in this together.  It is my hope that you can agree to these terms. Most of the lessons listed here do not just apply to the iPhone, but to life. You are growing up in a fast and ever changing world. It is exciting and enticing. Keep it simple every chance you get. Trust your powerful mind and giant heart above any machine. I love you. I hope you enjoy your awesome new iPhone. Happy Birthday!

xoxoxoxo
Mom and Dad

Be well,

Jennifer

Jennifer Jackson Holden, Psy.D. is managing director of the Paoli, Pennsylvania office of the Center for Psychological Services. www.centerpsych.com drjenniferholden@gmail.com

Teaching the 5 paragraph Essay

Learning how to write a five paragraph essay can be challenging and mastering the required steps can be both perplexing and taxing.  However, mapping the expectations behind a great essay can make the writing process both mindful and easy!

Involve Your Students in the Creative Process:
I often help my students to develop their writing by teaching them to document the metacognitive skills required and helping them to create their own graphic organizers or manuals that break down the process, sentence by sentence.  Additionally, I have found that when students participate in this creative, mindful process, they are more committed as well as likely to use and share the resources.

Prezi Is A Wonderful Online Tool that Helps Make The Process Fun and Memorable:
Students tend to be computer savvy, and many love to learn about the new technologies that make learning both memorable and enjoyable.  Prezi is an online site that allows students to create engaging presentations at no cost!  They offer some wonderful templates, or students can create their own.  It's easy to learn, and whenever help is needed, there are quick and simple videos to address questions.  In fact, I used Prezi to create a sample 5 Paragraph template that students and teachers can use.

Here is a link to my Free Five Paragraph Essay on Prezi.  Just click on the image below to view it:

http://prezi.com/3uvudpog1qcn/?utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=copy

I hope you find this helpful.  I would love to hear your thoughts!!

Cheers, Erica

Dr. Erica Warren is the author, illustrator and publisher of multisensory educational materials at Good Sensory Learning and Dyslexia Materials.  She is also the director of Learning to Learn, in Ossining, NY.  To learn more about her products and services, you can go to www.goodsensorylearning.com, www.dyslexiamaterials.com & www.learningtolearn.biz  

Using Empathic Listening with Children

In my last post, I discussed the skill of structuring, and how it can be used to help prevent problems in families. Today, we’ll look at another component of Filial therapy: Empathic Listening. 

What is Empathic Listening? Empathic listening is a way of capturing the feeling a person conveys as well as the content. You may be wondering how this skill differs from a typical conversation. Empathic listening emphasizes emotions and the acceptance of these feelings. For example, if your child tells you after coming home from school, “Joey was mean to me and didn’t pick me for the game,” a typical response might be to say, “That’s not nice of him! What did you do?” An example of empathic listening would be to say, “Sounds like you’re really sad that you weren’t picked, and it sounds like you’re also angry at Joey.” 

So Why Would We Use Empathic Listening? There are several reasons one would choose to employ this method. First, this technique helps to acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings. Validation can help someone to feel heard and accepted, which opens the door for deeper conversation and the possibility of change. In addition, for children, use of this technique helps children identify how they feel, which is much harder than it seems! Recognizing and identifying one’s own emotions is a skill that takes practice, even for many adults, and using this skill helps both of those areas.

What if You Misidentify a Child's Feelings? Sometimes when I teach parents this skill, they tell me that they tried it and it made their child upset, if they (the parent) incorrectly identified the feeling. This is common and is not a problem! If you perceive that your child is upset and they correct you, that’s actually great that they are identifying their own feelings! It is best to reflect then the corrected feeling to show that you’re hearing them. For example, if Susie yells in frustration and you reflect, “You’re annoyed,” she may retort, “I’m NOT annoyed! I’m furious!” You can re-connect by using her words, “Oh, you’re furious!” I have found that with anger especially, empathic listening is the first step in helping children to de-escalate, and an accurate reflection of the emotion can lead the way to the child calming down.

In short, empathic listening helps the other person to feel heard, accepted, and honored. It also helps children to recognize their own feelings, and can even promote articulation of their emotions. Give it a try!

Emily Herber McLean, LPC is a child and family therapist at The Center for Psychological Services. To learn more about her practice, visit www.centerpsych.com.

3 Things Parents Can Learn

It's September! As parents we are busy getting kids lined up for school and activities, schedules coordinated for carpools, volunteering in the classroom room, keeping the home front running smoothly and our work life balanced. With the predictable influx of newness the fall brings, we do what ever we can to help things settle into a smooth pattern.

Adding a few simple things to your list will make it all go even more smoothly. Yes! I did say add a few things! These little gems will actually slow your life down. Dig in and take these jewels seriously. Just like you expect your kids to shift into a new pattern, you too can make a few changes and see big impact.

To slow this crazy time down:

•    Listen more. You do not need to have an answer for every question your kids ask! When they ask you a question, return their question with a question. This will shift them into think mode. To often we do the thinking for our kids, hampering their learning and curiosity.  HINT: Half the questions kids ask they already know the answer to. It is empowering for them to answer their own questions. BTW, this works on husbands, too!

•    Watch for opportunities to praise. We know to do this and we try, don’t we? Sometimes, instead of praising, we "nag the negatives" as a result of having too much on our minds. Here is a trick to up the ante on praise and cut back on the  nagging..."pay yourself" to do it!  When you notice yourself giving a really good bit of praise vow to "pay yourself" with a personal treat. When you notice yourself holding back on a "nagging moment", treat yourself again! Prearrange your treat so you’re sure to follow through on the reward.

•    Vow to take two things OFF YOUR LIST each day Yes, off your list! (Feels better already, right?) We all know we are TO BUSY most of the time. By not changing this behavior we are role modeling the insanely busy attitude as normal for our kids. It makes us snippy, less effective and frankly less fulfilled. Is this what we want to model for our kids?

These are three ways you can add time and quality to your life. And this way of “being” has you acting as a better role model for your kids. Enjoy adding these time and sanity savers to your To Do list today!

Parents, do you have questions raising your child with learning issues? You can raise confident capable kids despite learning issues. Reach out for answers to your most perplexing questions today!

Becky Scott

TheNavigatorsWay.com

A Story for the First Day of School

First day of school.

I'm at the corner waiting for the bus.

It was suppose to get here at 4:00. It's 4:20.

My anxiety is slowly building.

Not really worrying, I know the schedule never goes as planned on the first day back. But my son has now been on the bus for an hour. I know he's hungry; he'll have eaten little lunch or snack because his appetite was suppressed by the medication that he takes for ADHD. His blood sugar will be low, and he will be irritable. I know this. What I don't know is how his day went, what his fifth grade teachers were like, whether any friends were in his classes...  I trying to keep my cool, but it takes effort - a lot of effort.  I hated fifth grade.

Finally I see the bus over the hill.  Here he comes.  He looks okay, but it's hard to tell.  "I'm not going to school tomorrow," his first words.  I have learned enough in my 11 years of parenting and 20 years as a psychologist to keep my mouth shut.  I stay quiet. I wait for it...

It doesn't come.  The information that is.  Instead, what arises from the graceful mouth of my beautiful boy, first quietly, then not, is a growing tsunami of upset ostensibly about his immediate NEED for a MacBook Pro, because "EVERYONE" in the fifth grade has one." Can I have I one?", he begs and begs.  We have had this discussion many times; he knows he is not getting the computer until middle school.  But he goes on for so long and with such intensity (not just with words, but cries, and thrown objects) that now litter his bedroom floor, and a pair of broken glasses that thankfully are easily repaired, that I find myself wondering ever more intensely about his day at school.  What to do in the midst of a tantrum...let it run its course.  Do not feed it with words or reactions or even limits. Just wait. So I do.  I know the information will come. In time.

It does. It takes a couple of hours, not for him to calm down--that happened before dinner--but for his defenses to come down enough to talk to me about the day. It happens, as always, around bedtime. Sure enough the information starts to pour out: the teachers are really hard, there is going to be a lot of work and he's not sure he can handle it.  Maybe online schooling would be better he thinks. None of his friends are in his classes (maybe, maybe not I suspect). He misses a fourth grade teacher who adored him and whom he adored. He's scared, and sad, and today he felt a bit lonely. 

I remember that from fifth grade. I had to move to a new school because of redistricting.  For the first time I had five teachers, one for each subject, instead of just one for all subjects.  I had to take the school bus for the first time. I didn't know anyone in my homeroom, not that I recall anyway.  who knows, it was 35 years ago for goodness sake!  As I start to tell him these memories, or stories, whichever they may be, he grows calmer. We laugh thinking about 11 year old me and the saga that was my fifth grade year.  I left out the memories of the initial signs of puberty, crushes on guys, and drama so as not to totally scare my child.  

Now he is ready to cuddle, to be comforted.  Not before.  Now he is ready to talk about his fears and worries. Now he is ready to connect and ultimately to begin thinking about strategies he can use to cope with the challenges and stressors he sees coming his way. 

I know that the next few days will be rough, but that with time he will settle into the year, make new friends, bond with one or more of these teachers who will shape and mold,

oops(!), I mean guide, him for the next 9 months.

My job now is to quietly wait. To reassure when appropriate, to validate his experience, to acknowledge what he feels he is facing. And herein lies the wisdom - it is in doing those things, as I bide my time, that his adjustment will come. In this I trust. After all, it's happened every year so far.

If the first day of your child's school engendered any of these qualities or experiences for you, here are some questions you might ask yourself as a guide to manage your parenting in these early weeks of September:

What was life like for me when I was that age?

What challenges did I face that year?

What gifts?

How well am I listening?

How am I doing acknowledging and validating my child's experience?

Is my child’s upset making me uncomfortable, and if so, why might that be?

Did I remember to tell my child that I love him/her today? Did I show him/her that I do?

And then, and perhaps most importantly, just wait. Things will calm down. Just give it time.

Jennifer

Jennifer Jackson Holden, Psy.D. is managing director of the Paoli, Pennsylvania office of the Center for Psychological Services. www.centerpsych.com

How Can I Afford Academic Support Outside of School

Many families hope that medical insurance coverage will reimburse them for outside academic support for children with learning disabilities.  Study skills, remedial help and homework support is often necessary for this population of learners, and it can come at a steep cost.  Although these services should be provided by school districts, you will find most have limited resources and one to one assistance is virtually impossible.  Insurance companies accommodate psychological services, but because learning specialists, educational therapists, and tutors are usually trained in education, they don’t have the needed licensing credentials and codes for insurance companies to pay the bill. 

How Can I Afford the Costs of Outside Help?

Before disregarding this option, there is good news.  According to IRS publication 502, under the heading Special Education, with a doctor’s note, parents can use medical expense accounts to pay these bills.  In addition, you can “write off” these costs if the teacher is trained to work with learning disabilities.  In fact, you can even be granted compensation for your child to attend a school where the reason is overcoming a learning disability.  Finally, check with your employer to see if they offer other options.  Some large companies, such as IBM, offer financial compensation when an employee's family member need these types of services.   

How Do I Find the Right Service Provider?

First, pursue a comprehensive neuropsychological assessment that provides a diagnosis and a comprehensive report that presents the cognitive weaknesses associated with the learning disability.  Second, find a local, highly-trained tutor, learning specialist or educational therapist that can offer the best services.   Be sure to interview and meet potential providers, so that you can find the best fit for your child.  

Early intervention and support is key for students with learning disabilities.  In fact, young learners receive the right help and support, some deficit areas can be remediated.  In addition, children can also develop compensatory learning strategies as well as self advocacy skills that will help them to realize their highest potential.

Cheers, Erica

Dr.  Erica Warren, Learning Specialist and Educational Therapist

Dr. Erica Warren is the author, illustrator and publisher of multisensory educational materials at Good Sensory Learning and Dyslexia Materials.  She is also the director of Learning to Learn, in Ossining, NY.  To learn more about her products and services, you can go to www.goodsensorylearning.com, www.dyslexiamaterials.com & www.learningtolearn.biz  

Structuring Children for Success

In my last blog post, I talked about Filial Therapy and how it benefits families. In my next few posts, we’ll take a closer look at the components used in this approach and how parents can apply the skills even without formally participating in therapy.

The first component we’ll talk about is structuring. Structuring involves planning to set a person up for success before even beginning the activity or task. It is important because it can solve problems before they occur - consider this the prevention side of parenting. Here are things to consider when structuring:

1. In order to do this well, you’ll need to consider the age and developmental appropriateness of what you want to accomplish as it relates to your child. No matter how brilliant your structuring plans, the task will go poorly if you’re asking for something your child isn’t ready to do. For example, most 3 year olds are unable to hear multi-step directions and follow them on the first try, and if you ask a child this young to get dressed, brush their teeth, and wash their face, the expectation is unrealistic and you both will end up frustrated. In summary, step one: know what is appropriate for your child.

2. Once you’ve determined that your expectation is appropriate, think about a specific situation that you’d like to structure. For example, imagine a situation in which a child protests going to the dentist. Ask yourself what is it about that situation that is upsetting? The child might feel scared, angry, or maybe just bored in the waiting room. Step two: tease apart what is happening that causes the problem to best determine how structuring will help.

3. Now that you know the situation you’d like to structure and you have a guess about why it’s not going well, plan ahead for success. For instance, thinking about the dentist, let’s imagine that your child is scared of the dentist because he has not been there before. Structuring might involve going online to look at pictures of the office, explaining in kid-friendly language what will happen, and being realistic (but not alarming) with the language. For example, “We will go into a room and we’ll tell a receptionist our names, then wait in that room until our names are called. Next, we’ll meet the person who cleans your teeth. That person will probably brush and floss your teeth, which can sometimes feel funny or nice because they’ll be clean. The dentist might want to take pictures of your teeth as well, but we won’t know until we get there. At the end, you’ll get a bag of goodies, like a new toothbrush and maybe a sticker.” Not, “They brush your teeth and sometimes have a drill, which really hurts, so make sure you brush every day so you won’t have to do that.” Step three: prepare your child with appropriate language.

4. Structuring might also involve the use of specific items. Let’s imagine that the child is not afraid of the dentist, but instead acts wild in the waiting room. Structuring for this child might instead involve packing a favorite book, a new game to play, or a tablet with a cartoon and headphones to encourage quiet behavior. Step four: pack for success!

Have you recently used the structuring skill? Leave a comment to share how you’ve applied this to your life. 

Emily Herber McLean, LPC is a child and family therapist at The Center for Psychological Services. To learn more about her practice, visit www.centerpsych.com.

It Takes a Village of Skills to Become a Reader!

Reading!  It sounds easy but it is anything but to a great many students.  In order to understand why your child struggles to read well or with facility, it is essential to have working knowledge of the primary elements that form the all-important foundation for reading.  A gap in any of these skills will produce problems in reading, evident not only in slow skill development but also the frustration, upset, and dislike of reading with which you, as the parent of a struggling reader, is probably all too familiar. 

Here is a sampling of the skills and abilities your child must use when she reads:

1. Word Recognition:  This consists of two factors.  The first is sight vocabulary—these are the words a child recognizes on sight with automaticity and without effort. The other is decoding or the ability to use phonetic analysis skills (which we have talked about in earlier blogs) to sound out unfamiliar words.
2. Fluency: Oral fluency includes the ability to use expression, adhere to punctuation, and read words with ease.
3. Word Knowledge: the ability to recognize various meanings of words. Parents typically refer to this as vocabulary.
4. Background (or factual) knowledge: so much of what we read is understood in the context of what we know about the world.  When a child is familiar with the subject of a book his understanding of it is far richer than it is when material is utterly novel.  For example, imagine your fourth grader reading about the legend of King Arthur without any understanding of a knight and his coat of armor, medieval times and the structure of a town and city being built around a fortified castle, all money having once been in coin form, adoption or foster parenting, wizardry or magic. Without such knowledge and vocabulary he would be lost, confused by the words on the page rather than able to picture them in his imagination.  For an adult, this would be akin to the experience a lay person would have in reading a medical journal, perhaps in Russian! 
5. Language Structure: your child must not only know the meaning of the individual words, but must also be able to integrate them into the sentences she reads, understand the sentence structure, and make sense of the transitions from one sentence to the other.
6. Language Processing, Critical Thinking, and Memory: He must grasp the core idea, remember facts and details, apply background knowledge to new information, make associations, draw conclusions, anticipate outcomes, form concepts, and think critically.
7. Working Memory: the ability to hold information in one's mind for just a few seconds until it can be used; after its use, it is discarded or forgotten.
8. Attention: it is essential to both reading fluency and comprehension that your child be able to sustain attention to material as he reads.

As you can see, Comprehension, the ultimate goal of reading, depends on proficiency with a variety of skills.  So in supporting your child’s reading development books are, of course, important. But so is conversation, exposure to broad vocabulary and background knowledge, and experiences of the world at large.

Now go read with your kid!

Be well,   Jennifer

Jennifer Jackson Holden, Psy.D. is managing director of the Paoli, Pennsylvania office of the Center for Psychological Services. www.centerpsych.com

Visualization Improves Academics: A Free Game

Did you know that visualization can improve learning capacity, enhance memory and ignite creativity?  In fact, research now shows that mental imagery can improve academics in the areas of reading, writing, math, history and science.

What is Visualization?

Visualization is the ability to create mental images within ones head.  This picture allows an individual to “see” ideas, past experiences, or even future projections.  Every individual lies on a continuum from having no visualization capacity, or a “blind minds eye,” to having an excellent capacity to imagine and experience vivid pictures and even conjure movie-like imagery in ones mind’s eye.  

Free Visualization Game:

Picture This and Draw.  Is a game is I created that develops the capacity to visualize, and also works on expressive language, verbal reasoning, fine motor dexterity, attention to details, spatial skills, and ones ability to follow directions.  This is a game I often  playing with my own students.  Click here to download a free copy of this game.

To learn more about the history of visualization and to acquire assessment materials and other engaging activities and games that teaches this needed skill, come learn about my publication MindfulVisualization for Education as well as my two Teaching Visualization PowerPoints.

Cheers, Erica

Dr. Erica Warren is the author, illustrator and publisher of multisensory educational materials at Good Sensory Learning and Dyslexia Materials.  She is also the director of Learning to Learn, in Ossining, NY.  To learn more about her products and services, you can go to www.goodsensorylearning.com, www.dyslexiamaterials.com, & www.learningtolearn.biz